PB2K: Uses 3101-3200

Uses 3101-3200

Cover your skin with it, and dress normally. If people stare mention that they shouldn't stare just because someone's a different colour from them, just loud enough that they can hear it.
Is your clock running too fast? Put it on the minute/hour/second hand or the gears inside to make it run just a bit slower.
Bring it back in time to the ancient Aztecs and tell them that it is what kings eat in the future.
Cover the wall with it and draw pictures in it. Invite children over to have a party doing this. (If you live in an apartment ask the landlord first.)
Place a glob of it over a string on your windowsill. Run the string on the ceiling over your bed, with a paper plate covered with peanut butter on it. Place a magnifying glass by the peanut butter so that when the sun rises the magnifying glass will concentrate the light so that it melts the peanut butter, releases the string, causing the plate to fall and wake you up. Eat the peanut butter for breakfast.
Sculpt a hat out of it. Suggested themes: Sherlock Holmes, Wild Bill Hickock, the Pope.
Stuff the Thanksgiving turkey with it.
An old car, some chicken wire, and a litte ingenuity, and you've got peanut butter floats for your next parade!
Photograph some in a church. Send a copy to the Pope.
Sneak some into your friend/roommate/sibling's pants before you go to the petting zoo.
Use it to keep the tuning knob on the radio from being moved after selecting the best station: Pulse FM. (The folks from http://www.pulsefm.com/ sent me this one... How objective do you think they're being? :-) )
PB IUD. So much safer than those copper ones...
So many jars, so little time...
Dress up like Spider-Man, and go about squirting buildings with peanut butter, and trying to swing from rooftop to rooftop that way.
Substitute lemon juice with Peanut Butter to create very visible ink.
Cover your monitor with it. Claim it's a screen saver.
Glue your cat to the ceiling with it. Tell people that you're experimenting with gravity.
Create a PB screen saver. Install it on all the computers at work. Cash in on the cravings and sell milk for $3 a glass.
If your kids are bored, give them peanut butter, and say: "Have Fun!"
This Summer, start a new trend with Peanut Butter thongs.
Send a jar to: Buff Anderson 230 Mount Hope Court Apt.# D2 Lawrence, Kansas 66044. (Buff.... do you still live there?)
I've yet to see a good recipe for peanut butter creole, or maybe a good peanut butter gumbo... come on, you chef types, get yer thinkin' caps on...
Peanut Butter Kabobs.
Scuplt a person out of it and take it everywhere you go..."Have you met my best friend, PB?"
Carry around a jar of peanut butter and call it your best friend. When people point and giggle, just say "We'll show you! Oh yes...there will come a day...oh yes there will...when we and are friends, spam, cheese, jelly, marmalade, and buttermilk will rule the world! And that will show you all!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!"
Make an egg omelet using peanut butter. If you like it sweet, add marshmallows.
If you are a male psychologist, write a treatise on how women suffer from peanut butter envy.
If you are a female psychologis, write a treatise on how male psychologists are chavinistic jerks, and probably have small jars of peanut butter.
Fill up the little monopoly houses and hotels with peanut butter--they'll finally stay in place, and smell good, to boot!
Use it to hold down your roof in the next hurricane.
Put some in your shoes to make squishy noises when you walk.
In a high-stakes poker game, smear some on your glasses so your opponents can't see your cards in the reflection.
Update your system to PB Millenium...
Leave peanut butter by the roadside so that deer will eat that instead ouf running out in front of your car.
Put a stethoscope up to a jar of it and don't stop listening until you hear a heartbeat.
Film an unofficial sequel to The Matrix that features peanut butter spinning around in the air in "bullet time" photography.
Find a way to get the peanut butter into your mouth without touching it with your hands or any eating utensils. Be creative.
Jump in it.
Do a handstand in it.
Karate chop it.
Write a heartfelt sonnet about it and program a computer virus that will E-Mail your poem to everyone on the Internet before wiping out their hard drives.
Stick it between Legos so your creations don't fall apart.
Put some in a half-full bottle of Pepsi and shake well.
Put some in a sibling's hat.
Drop it on Canadians.
Drop it on Nazis.
Drop it on Barney. Repeatedly.
Microwave it for five hours while you go shopping far away.
Bite it. Hard.
Build a model hot-air balloon using an almost-empty jar of peanut butter for the basket. Stick a G.I. Joe inside to add to the realism.
Make a peanut butter pizza.
Host a game show called Who Wants To Win A Jar Of Peanut Butter? and ask Regis Philbin to be a contestant.
Kidnap a member of the president's family with a ransom of 500 tons of peanut butter, chunky only. If they offer you money instead, become irate.
Stuff your hot dogs with it.
Join the PBA and remain a faithful member for 25 years before angrily leaving, saying, "Professional BOWLERS Association?!? I thought it had something to do with peanut butter!!"
In the middle of the night, remove all the wet cement from a sidewalk mold and replace it with peanut butter.
Take somebody to the middle of the Sahara Desert and force-feed them a whole bunch of it. Then cackle, "Got milk?" and run away as fast as you can.
Smear it all over your eyeglasses and ask who turned out the lights.
Fax some to anyone who doesn't have any.
Answer every incoming phone call by saying, "Peanut butter, how may I help you?"
Wipe it on every door in your house, just to cheese off the family.
Star in a sitcom on ABC that flashes the words "PEANUT BUTTER FOR PRESIDENT" subliminally once every minute and see what happens.
The next time you get one of those "Hello, my name is..." nametag stickers, write "Peanut Butter."
Buy a small island in the South Pacific and call it Peanutopia.
Dip Frosted Mini Wheats in it for a great afternoon snack.
"What's your P.B.I.Q.?"
Start a new plan for world peace by covering a matador's red cape with it so the bull won't see the color and get mad. Then everyone at the bullfight will be happier because no one got hurt that day. It won't be long before their happiness spreads to the rest of the planet. If it works, you might even get to meet George W. Bush.
Sell a jar to Bill Gates for $6 million.
See how many times you can poke it with your index finger in sixty seconds.
Slam gobs of it together in the Tevatron and say you've discovered a new form of energy.
Become a lexicographer and devote fifty pages of the next dictionary to the topic of peanut butter.
If your last name is Terisgreat, name your son Pean Utbut.
Make an eyepatch out of it and pretend you're a pirate.
Spend sleepless nights talking for hours to it on the phone, long distance.
If you ever get pulled over for speeding, thrust a jar of it in the cop's face menacingly while threatening, "Hey, don't mess with me, man. I'm not afraid of you." If he gives you a hard time, throw it at his car.
At some little kid's birthday party, fill all the balloons with it.
Smear it on the backside of your father's suspenders.
Write a thesis on the importance of the electromagnetism ratio of peanut butter to local ore deposits in 19th century Bolivia and how this figure was vital to the survival of the mosquitos who lived between that region and the Tropic of Capricorn during that century.
Unpierce any part of your body by plugging the hole with it.
Grease a neighbor's chainsaw with it.
"What is your name? What is your quest? What is your favorite brand of peanut butter?"
Dehydrate it so it becomes a fine brown powder. Snort it with a $100 bill.
Go to a punk rock show and throw a jar at the lead guitarist.
Go to the Louvre and dip your whole hand in a jar before wiping your fingers across the Mona Lisa's face. If anyone tries to stop you, wipe your fingers across their face, too.
Set it on fire, 'cause fire's cool and stuff.
See how many jars you have to drop onto Mount Everest from a helicopter before it starts an avalanche. Never mind trying to get a helicopter to that altitude...--Andy
Use the acronym PeBu as a substitute for profanity. You stub your toe: "Pebu!" You eat something hot: "PEBU!!" You get in a fight with the local Mafia: "Peee BUUUUU!!!"
Rap about it. See if you can get any record labels to sign you.
Dump liquid nitrogen into a half-full jar and stash it somewhere you're not supposed to be.
"You mean there're peanuts in here?!? Well no WONDER they call it peanut butter!!"
Build a catapult and shoot big globs of it at passing airplanes.
Remove the wrapper from a jar and make a new one that says "Refried Beans." Then take the jar back to the grocery store, complaining loudly. "This isn't refried beans! It's peanut butter!" Demand to see the manager. Throw stuff.
"What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen jar of peanut butter?"
"What sort of peanut butter do you mean, chunky or creamy?"
"I don't know that! Ahhhhh!"
Fill a Windex bottle with it and open a window-washing business.
Rub it on your car tires to improve handling.
Slurp it through a straw. Compare the color of your face to various jellies and jams.
Give a jar to someone when they ask to borrow some glue.
Give a jar to someone when they ask to borrow a pencil.
Give a jar to someone when they ask to borrow anything at all.
Take the trackball out of a friend's computer mouse and fill the hole with peanut butter, just for laughs. You just stay away from my Kensington TurboMouse, Parker. --Andy

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